He’s Still Working On Me

potter

Our relationships are so important to Jesus. How we treat others matters. Lately I have been learning about God as my Counselor, in the way of a mediator. The Scriptures tell us, He is our Counselor.

I am finding that the more I learn of Jesus, the less fearful I am. Funny how learning to depend on His Word eliminates fear. Fear has played a real part in my life. As a young girl, I picked up a fear of being left. This fear had control over my life and affected my relationships. I handled any diversity with a “shut-down” method. When I felt hurt, the unknown, or rejected, I would completely shut down. I mean I felt the results of the actions but I would disassociate myself completely from the situation or even the person. I will admit sometimes the disassociation was not a bad thing but this leaked over into good relationships.

When I began to pray more, The Lord impressed on me to pray for the things I worried about in my relationships with people in my life. I started keeping my jaws shut and taking it to The Lord. Things I would normally confront my children over, trying to make them see my point, I took it to Jesus. Forcing them was no longer an option since they now had their own families. lol I remember one instance, I really wanted to harp on my son for not going to church. Instead I started just praying that Jesus would speak to him on his level everyday. It was about two weeks later my son and I were talking and he began to tell how Jesus had been talking with him on a daily basis. EXACTLY what I had prayed. The results were so good it made me WANT to pray.

Another instance, my best friend and I had found ourselves in different circumstances that we were not used too. We spent lots of time together for several years but life was changing for each of us and the time was not so abundant. The distance bothered me and I wanted more than anything for her to know how much she meant to me and how much I needed her in my life. On my way home from work one night I began to pray. I asked The Lord to let her know how much I needed and loved her. The very next morning she texted me telling me of a dream she had the night before and realized that I still needed her in my life. There are so many more stories just like this I could tell. I am telling you what, if you think prayer does not work or God is not concerned about what we are concerned with……you are completely wrong. He loves us!

On a Tuesday night Bible study, by the way I am a huge fan of for this very reason, my pastor started teaching about God as our mediator. Isaiah 9:6 “For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counseller, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.” I honestly never had the understanding of Counselor as a mediator before. I thought, counselor as in “shrink”. : ) He began to teach this…it was a moment of AW for me. Jesus was showing me this very thing at exactly that time. It made sense, it all was coming together. I found so much peace in just understanding.

He cares about our relationships. We are required to handle our relationships with care because not only does he love us, he loves everyone and has commanded us to love. Me proving a point with words could cause more harm than good but Him being the GREAT Mediator will work it for our good. We are unable to show his love to others if we do not handle relationships with people carefully. God has called us to be His hands, His feet, His mouth, His arms….we are to be the body of Christ, every part counts. Having healthy relationships in our life actually breathes health/life into us with love, encouragement, and strength, when we are healthy then we can be healthy sowers in the Kingdom. It is hard to be a “good worker” if we, ourselves are unhealthy. It is my desire to be a sower in His Kingdom, however he sees fit. So I will continually seek to please my King, by understanding who He is.

Anita-He’s still working on me, even when it is painful, I am grateful.

 

Fit For The King

Preparing to be a bride.

Several years ago, I was sitting at a desk behind a computer, just as I am right now, when a stirring thought entered my mind. You see, at that time my life was a wreck, my heart was crushed and it felt as if every inch of my body hurt. Somehow my emotional pain had caused a physical, unseen to the human eye, bruising. It hurt to even breathe.

It wasn’t that I was unsuccessful in my career, because I at that point was making more money than I had ever before. It wasn’t that I had never conquered defeat, because I truly had some victorious moments in life but at that moment everything that once mattered, seemed to no longer matter.

I began to tell The Lord, how much I tried, how hard I worked, how much I loved, and how much I gave and now it all seemed in vain. What was the point? I remember the feeling as if it were yesterday. I wouldn’t go as far as to say I am “super spiritual” as God knows, I am far from perfect. But that day, a crying welled up in my belly, the pressure was great and this thought overtook my entire being at that very moment…”But are YOU fit for The King?” It shook me to my core and I began to weep. What was the meaning of this? Have a spent years doing it all wrong? Reaching for things that were temporal, only satisfying the want or even the need for a moment? Never reaching the place He had planned for me? I was almost 40 and full of confusion. What now?

That evening I went home and asked God to show me how to overcome ME. I am a fighter by nature, I take it all upon my self to bare, I feel the need to fix it, and after years of this I was exhausted. I couldn’t do it any more. All hope seemed to be lost. I realized my mistakes all lead to one thing, leaning on ME not HIM, my Heavenly Father. I looked to myself to find the answers, my own strength, my own understanding, and never fully understood God’s love, grace, and mercy. I never understood 2 Corinthians 12:9 “And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” I made it all about me, not Him. Not because I felt I was good, but because I felt as if I wasn’t good enough.

Two things God laid on my heart to engulf myself in was prayer and His Word. I’ve always been faithful attending church but not so much in my personal devotion in communion with Him. I’ve always prayed but never really communed with Him. I realized I longed for His presence, to sup with Jesus everyday. During this time, although I was fighting a real mental battle of depression, I learned more than I ever learned before. The first impact was submission. How can I be fit for Him, if I depend on me? If I am submissive then I have to lose that independent attitude. Truth is I, alone can do nothing but through Him, with Him, I can do anything. It is not about me. My grace isn’t sufficient, my hands are not nail scared, my back is not scared by lashings but it is only through His blood that I might be “good enough.”

Being insecure most of my life, feeling ugly, never measuring up…I would dress it up. I would tweak things here and there, towing that line to ease the pain of not being enough. I really never fully realized I wasn’t being submissive to my Heavenly Father. I never truly realized changing me, was insulting his ability to create something beautiful out of me. I was desperate, I told Him if He helped me I would give it all to him. I remember several weeks later having a dream or something. In my dream I was looking down at me laying in the floor, face down and appeared to be dead. But I was looking at myself, saying out loud things like, “but they won’t like me”, “I will be ugly”, and truthfully it felt painful. One of the main things I struggled with was my hair, for example. When I’d get my hair “fixed” I felt confident for a few weeks…but it was only momentary. Not understanding my confidence should come from my Poppa (Jesus).

Because of my desperation to just have LIFE, I wasn’t going to give up. I still fought feeling ugly or not enough but I fought it. Have I got it right every time since, NO but I still have a made up mind that my life is no longer mine, I give it all to Him one step at a time. I cannot do this alone, on my own, or my way any longer. I cannot afford too. Having no WILL only turned to submitting myself to his WILL. I am learning that the toughest battle of my life is slowly turning into a season of rest, peace and great joy. Once a great lady of God told me my season was gradually going to change into my season of Victory. I remember cringing when she’d say gradual, thinking LORD, I can’t take it much longer…INSERT ME here.lol I will say she was right, God used her that day to keep me looking ahead. Gradually learning, it is not about ME but about HIM. So today, I am still getting taught :), as the sunshine is turning in my direction gradually each and everyday.

I say all of this to say…..The only real rest comes from Jesus. Learning of Him will bring peace, understanding and rest. What we could perceive as a chore, in Him will prove as protection, safety and right. If you are constantly wondering why you just can’t get it right, try turning it all over and know your strength comes from The Lord not within yourself.

Matthew 11:29 “Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.”

I have more to tell but until next time, God bless, and take time to learn of Him, and rest.

Anita-Learning to be fit for My King