Several years ago, I was sitting at a desk behind a computer, just as I am right now, when a stirring thought entered my mind. You see, at that time my life was a wreck, my heart was crushed and it felt as if every inch of my body hurt. Somehow my emotional pain had caused a physical, unseen to the human eye, bruising. It hurt to even breathe.
It wasn’t that I was unsuccessful in my career, because I at that point was making more money than I had ever before. It wasn’t that I had never conquered defeat, because I truly had some victorious moments in life but at that moment everything that once mattered, seemed to no longer matter.
I began to tell The Lord, how much I tried, how hard I worked, how much I loved, and how much I gave and now it all seemed in vain. What was the point? I remember the feeling as if it were yesterday. I wouldn’t go as far as to say I am “super spiritual” as God knows, I am far from perfect. But that day, a crying welled up in my belly, the pressure was great and this thought overtook my entire being at that very moment…”But are YOU fit for The King?” It shook me to my core and I began to weep. What was the meaning of this? Have a spent years doing it all wrong? Reaching for things that were temporal, only satisfying the want or even the need for a moment? Never reaching the place He had planned for me? I was almost 40 and full of confusion. What now?
That evening I went home and asked God to show me how to overcome ME. I am a fighter by nature, I take it all upon my self to bare, I feel the need to fix it, and after years of this I was exhausted. I couldn’t do it any more. All hope seemed to be lost. I realized my mistakes all lead to one thing, leaning on ME not HIM, my Heavenly Father. I looked to myself to find the answers, my own strength, my own understanding, and never fully understood God’s love, grace, and mercy. I never understood 2 Corinthians 12:9 “And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” I made it all about me, not Him. Not because I felt I was good, but because I felt as if I wasn’t good enough.
Two things God laid on my heart to engulf myself in was prayer and His Word. I’ve always been faithful attending church but not so much in my personal devotion in communion with Him. I’ve always prayed but never really communed with Him. I realized I longed for His presence, to sup with Jesus everyday. During this time, although I was fighting a real mental battle of depression, I learned more than I ever learned before. The first impact was submission. How can I be fit for Him, if I depend on me? If I am submissive then I have to lose that independent attitude. Truth is I, alone can do nothing but through Him, with Him, I can do anything. It is not about me. My grace isn’t sufficient, my hands are not nail scared, my back is not scared by lashings but it is only through His blood that I might be “good enough.”
Being insecure most of my life, feeling ugly, never measuring up…I would dress it up. I would tweak things here and there, towing that line to ease the pain of not being enough. I really never fully realized I wasn’t being submissive to my Heavenly Father. I never truly realized changing me, was insulting his ability to create something beautiful out of me. I was desperate, I told Him if He helped me I would give it all to him. I remember several weeks later having a dream or something. In my dream I was looking down at me laying in the floor, face down and appeared to be dead. But I was looking at myself, saying out loud things like, “but they won’t like me”, “I will be ugly”, and truthfully it felt painful. One of the main things I struggled with was my hair, for example. When I’d get my hair “fixed” I felt confident for a few weeks…but it was only momentary. Not understanding my confidence should come from my Poppa (Jesus).
Because of my desperation to just have LIFE, I wasn’t going to give up. I still fought feeling ugly or not enough but I fought it. Have I got it right every time since, NO but I still have a made up mind that my life is no longer mine, I give it all to Him one step at a time. I cannot do this alone, on my own, or my way any longer. I cannot afford too. Having no WILL only turned to submitting myself to his WILL. I am learning that the toughest battle of my life is slowly turning into a season of rest, peace and great joy. Once a great lady of God told me my season was gradually going to change into my season of Victory. I remember cringing when she’d say gradual, thinking LORD, I can’t take it much longer…INSERT ME here.lol I will say she was right, God used her that day to keep me looking ahead. Gradually learning, it is not about ME but about HIM. So today, I am still getting taught :), as the sunshine is turning in my direction gradually each and everyday.
I say all of this to say…..The only real rest comes from Jesus. Learning of Him will bring peace, understanding and rest. What we could perceive as a chore, in Him will prove as protection, safety and right. If you are constantly wondering why you just can’t get it right, try turning it all over and know your strength comes from The Lord not within yourself.
Matthew 11:29 “Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.”
I have more to tell but until next time, God bless, and take time to learn of Him, and rest.
Anita-Learning to be fit for My King