Understanding

As I sat down this morning the thought “It is well with my soul.” came to my mind. Understanding is a tug of war in my soul. Everyone likes understanding, right? It is like you feel at ease with understanding. I seek after it, I long for it, I crave to understand.

For as long as I can remember, if I did not have understanding about a certain thing, I felt so uneasy. Fear would settle into my spirit, thus affecting my days. The anxiousness in my belly seem to never disappear. I longed for understanding. I would sit or lay going through every nook and cranny of the words or situation, trying to gain understanding. For me the longing for understanding in this way can be a life thief. Just last night, I was running things in my mind over and over, yes, seeking to know every aspect of the “thing”. All the while, I spent almost the entire day praying under my breathe, or in my car, or at my desk that God would take care of the “thing.” This “thing” I have told The Lord, “I lay it at your feet.” However, I lose sleep trying to understand. Well, that is me. That is what I do. Even analyzing this, trying to understand myself..lol I realize, I have a trust problem. A trust problem creates fear, a fear problem creates a control problem and a trust, fear and control problem creates an anxiety problem.

Although, I have sought understanding all of my life…in an unhealthy way, when I look back down the road, I have had more days I did not understand than days that I did. However, I in the end was taken care of. Many days, I had no control but yet God supplied all of my needs. Let’s take money for example, as a young mother if I broke say a $20, I would put the dollar bills in vases in drawers throughout my home. I did this so I would feel confident and safe to know I had some money somewhere. I feared constantly of not having enough. I had an allotted number of diapers my child could use each day. I would get a headache watching the digital gas gage in my car, making sure I used a certain amount of gas a day. I even went as far as leaving the tags on my clothes, just in case I ran out of money. At this point, you’re probably thinking I am a crazy lady. I would somewhat agree with you. : ) However, I was lead by fear and fear caused me to control. In reality, though, I never was in control. At one point I was laid off. I refused to seek help from the government (not condoning this behavior at all). I was down on my luck and bucks. I had very little food in my home with a 7 and 8 year old. I had no control at all. No money in the vases or drawers, no $20’s to break, flat broke. One night, the kids and I were sitting on the couch when I saw a shadow on my porch. I go outside to see about 4 or 5 bags of groceries on the porch. The groceries lasted until I had money to get more.

That may not be such a big miracle to you but for me, I will always remember. There are other instances when God supplied my needs and not me myself. At the time, having no understanding and no control was horrific for me, however those very times are the memories that my minds eye glances over when I lose faith today. You know that thing, “all things work together for the good of those who love him?” That thing! Now that’s understanding, not control but understanding.

This morning, I read this scripture: ““As thou knowest not what is the way of the spirit, nor how the bones do grow in the womb of her that is with child: even so thou knowest not the works of God who maketh all.” It is good to learn, to learn all you can take in, however not having understanding for everything that happens is okay. Could it be a God thing? I say yes! When I remember back, the times I did not have understanding, the times I had no control are the exact times that God showed up and created something beautiful in the midst of it all. Since I was a young girl, I would tell the Lord “don’t allow me to stay the same.” “Grow me every single day.” I earnestly believed I wanted that, however mistrust was embedded in my bones from a very young age, I’d say toddler stage. I really didn’t give Him much to work with, lol.

You’ll never figure it all out, I’ll never understand something’s and “It is well with my soul.” When you ask God to “make you what you ought to be”, you may not obtain, hold on, control with understanding. It is impossible to understand His ways, especially during the test. However understanding is not the victory, change is, growth is, faith is, trust is. So to this I say today, “it is well with my soul.” Thank you Jesus for allowing me to grow. Thank you Jesus for not allowing me to stay the same. Thank you Jesus for allowing me to learn to lean and forgiving me in my doubt. Teach me Thy ways, Oh God. It is my soul’s desire to draw close to Him, lean not on my own understanding but place my trust in Him. That is when your life is made beautiful by the complete handiwork of God. If your weight is too heavy, you are carrying something that is not yours to carry. Turn it over, leave it there and allow God to create beauty out of ashes and I promise you this….it will be the very “thing” that gives you strength in years to come, when you look back down the road. He is a glorious God.

James 1:2-4 Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. Proverbs 3:5

 

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Chorus:
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

2 thoughts on “Understanding

  1. Oh, Anita! This could be my testimony. I once studied the word “trust”…reading and writing down every scripture with that word in it…trying to understand how to trust. How to reach that point where I TRULY give it to God. My conclusion now: He’s still working on me. I may never completely arrive (thanks to this fleshly body and mind), but will never give up striving to arrive at that point of perfect trust. I love you!

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