Is it okay to struggle with doubt? This is a question that plagues my mind often. A lot of times I feel like a doubting Thomas. “Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.” (John20:29)
Jesus appeared unto the disciples after His crucifixion. Thomas was not there, so the other disciples began to tell Thomas what they had witnessed. Right now I would like to say that I would’ve jumped right in with the excitement and believed Jesus appeared after seeing Him hang dead on that cross; however I can almost guarantee I would lean more towards a “Thomas” that day. Truthfully, more days than I ought. Thomas wanted proof; he could not believe what he could not see. “ Now Thomas (also known as Didymus[a]), one of the Twelve, was not with the disciples when Jesus came. 25 So the other disciples told him, “We have seen the Lord!”But he said to them, “Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe.” (John 20:24-25)
Since I was a young girl I would hear others say if your faith waivered you may be hindering your miracle. I try so hard not to let doubt set in, after all I do not want to hinder God answering my prayers, but I fail, a lot, and to top it off I feel somewhat guilty for allowing doubt to set into my spirit. I have often prayed that God would give me the kind of faith that I need to be pleasing to Him. It truly is my hearts desire to please The Lord, yet I stare doubt right in the face.
I can honestly say I do not doubt the ability of God. I do believe and know that God can do anything. My faith never ever waivers in that. I think I doubt in the midst of the situation. I know He can do it but I am not sure that He will in time, or I cannot see how it will all work out and everyone will be okay. At times, I will find myself praying over and over. I will wake up in the night praying. I still am not sure how my praying wakes me up out of a sleep, but it does happen. Is that doubt? Is it doubt to continually ask God to take care of something and not leave it there and walk away?
Well, as you can tell the intention of this blog post is not to answer the question, I truly do not know. However, I write to tell you how exciting it is to have a God that understands each of us so personally that He will show up time and time again to prove His power, His love, His compassion, His understanding to us. He does not say, I am done…I am God; I have nothing to prove to you or anyone. But he meets us right where we are. Just as he met with Thomas that day, proving himself, his power and yet His love for Thomas. “A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!” 27 Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.” Thomas said to him, “My Lord and my God!” (John 20-26-28)
That day Jesus proved to be the Lion and the Lamb. The tremendous power of the resurrection of Jesus Christ is mind boggling and earth shaking, yet the gentleness, love and mercy that God himself would take the time to ease His child’s mind is so comforting and heartwarming. My goodness, He loves us. He understands us. He cares for us. He is such a good father.
Now, I am striving to be in the “blessed are those who have not seen and yet believed” category. “ Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.” (John 20:29) I was listening to a lady that I admire last night. She was talking about praying for “God’s will” in a situation that I knew would be hard to pray that way. The entire time she was telling the story, I was thinking I want to reach that level. The level that I can trust in His will for my life and the life of others without actually knowing all the details. I was encouraged about her faith.
I love to learn. I listen to others to learn from them. I woke up this morning with an understanding. I understand that my faith in God will grow, as life goes on, as new experience comes my way. The hard times, the confusion and even doubt are lessons to allow me to grow in God. For that I am thankful. I am thankful for the generosity of God. I am thankful that while doubt still creeps into my mind, He still meets me where I am and shows me once again, each time, He’s got it under control. He never leaves me comfortless, even if my faith is weakened by the moment. He proves to me He is God. Nope, He absolutely does not have too but He does. The good news is He will keep showing up, proving to me His power, even when He is not obligated too. That is love! I, one day, will be the “blessed are those who have not seen but yet have believed.” He is still working on me.