Diseased

I woke up one day a little over a year ago and realized I did not feel well. I could physically move around just fine and my appearance was not sickly, but I just did not feel well.

I had spent many days before this morning, brushing it off or having an episode then pushing right through to the next day. However that gnawing in my gut was always hidden deep inside my belly. Every word, look or gesture from other’s there was a question mark that came into my mind. Yes, it only would last a second or two but for sure it always arose out of no where, I thought. I often found myself shutdown, withdrawn or unemotional, my coping skills at their best.

Every single morning I read Ephesians 4:31-32 ” 31Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: 32And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.” Why, you might ask? Well, it is simply because I have it handwritten and taped to my monitor on my computer. However, it is not by coincidence that that scripture is the one I chose. You can plunge right through life with a grin all the while knowing there is an underlying issue within. It seems that this is the normal in our world today. Suck it up, keep moving forward, do not look back….all advice given to each of us daily. I do agree with these things. We can not go around swimming in a sea of emotions and never moving forward. However, when there is a seed of uncleanness living inside of you, never underestimate the power of that seed. Oh, you may not have planted the seed, it could have been dug, plowed and planted by someone else, nevertheless the seed is there. And to go a bit further the seed is there and it is YOUR responsibility to seek to remove that seed.

So my great revelation was, I was diseased by a seed of bitterness. I say diseased because diseased means “abnormal and corrupt.” (www.bing.com) My heart became abnormal, in turn made my mind abnormal, in turn made my life abnormal. The seed of bitterness will derail an entire lifetime if you do not take care of the root. As we all know this is January 2019. I was in church during watch night service and I was praying, praying for myself. LOL I told the Lord that this was the #1 thing I wanted in 2019. I wanted healed of this. I no longer wanted to trudge through life smiling, laughing outwardly but never be able to trust fully, think of good first, be lighthearted and worry less. I needed this seed depleted out of my heart. As I stood there, I could literally  feel a festering in the middle of my chest. Like it was the place that I held all of the yuck, for lack of a better word. The hurt, the anger, the misunderstandings, the judgment, the falsehoods, the faults, the failures…..all of the YUCK!  I could feel where I held it all, close to my heart.

I begin to think about that. Why do I hold these things so close to my heart? I in no way, shape or form want them there, right? Who in their right mind would? As I thought and prayed more about this subject a question came into my mind. You see, nothing ever comes easy for this girl. I could not say, “Lord take it away from me” and then it would be gone. Every single thing for me is a process. I am sure due to my own lack of trust and overthinking. But that question was, “do we tend to hold on to past hurts to justify our past failures or current emotions?” Are we too afraid to let go and forget about those horrible things because we or I can not fully trust in the grace and mercy of God? Instead do I rely on those old sores, seeds to relieve my conscience for my reactions?

There comes a time in this life that you literally have to let it go! We hear all the time forgiveness is not just for you it is more for me….well this is so true but maybe we have to just let it go, let it all go. Do not say “I am forgiving you because it is better for me.” I do not know if that is real forgiveness in my heart, personally…no judgments toward anyone else. I have tried that. I feel better but if something comes up that triggers a memory, I have to start forgiving over and over. Well that is exhausting too. I mentioned trust earlier….you know when you were a kid and fought with your sibling…it would go something like this “he said….” “She said….” and the battled raged on. Well bitterness for me is kind of like that….”you did this…” “I in turn done that….” and somehow there is a false sense of peace in this. Somehow you kind of feel ok because if you hold on to what happened then you can be okay with how you reacted. In order to get rid of it all you have to forget about it. I heard a guy testify about someone he knew that got blessed and his life changed. Someone later brought up something he used to do and the individual could not even recall what he used to be or do. I thought, wow what a blessing, not to even remember. So why was he blessed in this way? Was it because he was willing to forgive and forget the very thing that may have led him down the road of destruction in the first place? Being that he would have nothing to rely on for his own behavior but the grace and mercy of God.

Be careful with what you get comfortable living with. Be careful justifying your anger, your attitude, your disposition because of what another did. You may be cutting off your very own healing. God is not in the tit for tat business. He will release you of all bitterness but you will have to release those who planted the seed in the first place. With that comes responsibility for your own actions and a trust in Jesus who so perfectly extends to you mercy and extends mercy to the other party as well. In that release, a true healing virtue can flow through, your mind, heart, body and spirit. I virtue that will reveal the joy of The Lord that can bubble in any circumstance.