Am I the only one who deals with triggers? This was the question that was rolling over and over in my mind on Saturday and early Sunday. I dislike my own thinking sometimes. It becomes a downward spiral so quickly.
So typically when I am having a hard time in just one area, a trigger will come and when it does it is just down from there. It is hard enough having these thoughts but the worst of it is knowing what is going on, being well aware, yet unable to control. My husband tells me I need to learn to compartmentalize. Somehow he is a genius at this. Something bad can happen and I’ve seen him walk into a place to complete his duties looking all unmoved, litteraly minutes later. I would agree I need to learn this skill.
I was having a bad weak. And yes, I realize other people are having a much worse week than I. I have even had much worse weeks myself. lol So I get that. However, it doesn’t change the current, real, present circumstance. As I sat in church yesterday afternoon, I was asking The Lord why when one thing happens it still triggers a lifetime of memories. In turn takes my thinking into a very dark place. Yeah, I am delivered, redeemed, set free, forgiven in all so many different ways. God has revealed himself to me. I do know He loves and cares for me. I sometimes ask The Lord why I just cannot forget. He has all power, he could erase my memory. Yet he chooses to allow me to remember.
As I sat in my pew with my eyes closed trying to ask God to create in me a clean heart and a right spirit because I know when this is going on I could care less about anything. Caring is too much to deal with during these times, so I just shut down. Anyhow, I obviously have to repent lots. : ) As I was talking to Jesus and numb as could be…not feeling a thing a scripture came in to my mind. “Then said David to the Philistine, Thou comest to me with a sword, and with a spear, and with a shield: but I come to thee in the name of the LORD of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom thou hast defied.” (1 Samuel 17:45)
I thought, “that is a interesting scripture in regards to triggers,” I was a bit confused. The more I pondered on this the more it made sense to me. Often times our mind is our worst enemy. There are hurts that have happened in our lives that felt as real as if someone took a sword and shoved it in your gut and your heart. Your mind will allow triggers to keep you reliving these things over and over and over. Each time, it will feel as real as the very first time. Each time you will become hurt, angry and possibly bitter all over again. I have often felt like a complete failure, non-Christian because forgiveness is a must and if I remember I am obviously failing as a Christian. These things are hard on the heart, especially if your earnest desire is to be what God wants you to be.
David fought the giant in the physical but yet David didn’t trust in the physical. He only trusted in The Lord. David was not victorious in that battle because he was capable of handling that giant on his own. In reality he was not. David knew a sword was no viable weapon against the name of The Lord. God could have taken the giant down without David. He obviously did not need a sling shot to win a battle. However, to mold David in the eyes of himself and the eyes of the people, he needed David to fight. He needed to realize where his help comes from. He needed David to learn to lean on The Lord and not on himself. He knew David’s destiny.
We all have different struggles. Those fiery darts from the past, when they haunt your mind, pick up your sword and fight. The sword of The Lord. His Word. We cannot fight flesh and blood or even our own thoughts but God can, His Word does. When we learn to redirect our trust from ourselves, our abilities and place our trust in Him we WILL WIN. Sometimes we have to tell ourselves, “Self…..I come to you in the name of The Lord.” A battle is a battle, in the physical or mental. God is God and will fight your battles for you but he does require you to show up, not shut down. David showed up, you think he didn’t look at himself and think, I cannot? I’d say he probably did but he placed his trust in The Lord and confidence in what The Lord told him to do. He showed up. He didn’t stop. He didn’t allow his emotions or thoughts to override what God told him to do. No weapon is too strong for God.