Hurricane Season

Hurricane season is here. The devastation of many has arrived again this season. I was looking a pictures today of Florida where Ian has hit the hardest and I couldn’t imagine what those people feel. I do pray that they have complete restoration. I heard rumors here and there about this storm. I even had heard where it was going to cause the most damage but truthfully I did not pay much attention; not because I did not care or lack of concern but more because I was dealing with my own internal storm. For weeks, I have only rested a few nights, for days I have had that terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, for hours I have spent thinking of ways I could try to make people understand I truly am not what they may think that I am. I wish I could say that I have taken it all to the Lord in prayer-I have not. I would began to pray but all of a sudden it would feel like cotton in my mouth, a gag around my neck, a hand over my mouth. I could think of words to say but just the thought of saying them made me tired. Who knows what the right words to use are? Not I! I am used to interceding and honestly for most of my life it has come so naturally to me, but not this time. Could the words I take before The King be manipulative, self-centered, agenda filled? That is all my mind could think. What an empty place to be. A place that you cannot even speak to your Heavenly Father. For years, I have talked his ears off. I mean seriously, I have begged, I have pleaded, I have cried, I have honestly poured my entire being into his arms…many many many times. Not this time. This time was new, different and quite lonely. So many times I see how some folks manipulate their words-even through prayer, to send a message to those listening, or to push God to do what they feel is right-so it seems to me. Don’t we all pray the way we feel from time to time? I mean isn’t that where the song that says “I thank God for unanswered prayers” was derived from? For some reason, that used to be okay. Ask, pray, pray, pray….go on with life and one day waking up and understanding why God never answered. Not today…..not this time, this month. I just couldn’t bring myself to pray and not receive the answer. I just couldn’t bare yet another disappointment in life. I couldn’t bare to think I was praying amiss because I have no clue-one man saying this, another that. My head is on continuous spin mode. I do not deal well with confusion or chaos. I will completely check out. See ya later, Anita, check out. Like hello are you in there, check out. Rejection is hard, being misunderstood is devastating and having a heart that seems to be unable to “not care” is annoying. However, I learned at a very young age how to walk around like an empty shell, refusing to feel emotion and yet somehow at some point, in the dark the pain surfaces-stealing sleep, sucking appetite and devouring all joy. Terrible place to be? Yea, not so good, I know. Yet I am a student by nature. I love love to learn. I believe every single thing tangible or intangible is something we can learn from. I believe every single person we meet adds to our journey. It is hard for me to look at someone and wish them away, no matter what is going on because I can look back and see at some point they too added to my journey. If I am in a place to be able to seek God or if I am in a place to just be able to say “hey poppa, I do love you.” and leave it there, either way I do believe. I do believe he holds all power in the palm of his hand, I do believe he can move mountains and I do believe he knows the end from the beginning. Isn’t it funny how your physical actions may not always match with our internal belief system. Maybe, this is why we should be careful judging people by their mistakes. Unfortunately, for some, like I, it takes those mistakes to activate the strength of my core (Jesus living in me). After all scripture teaches us, “And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” (2 Corinthians 12:9) Through this life hurricane season, I think I have come to terms or at least beginning to come to terms with a passage in the Bible that I really have never put much thought into, “¹From whence come wars and fightings among you? come they not hence, even of your lusts that war in your members? ²Ye lust, and have not: ye kill, and desire to have, and cannot obtain: ye fight and war, yet ye have not, because ye ask not. ³Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss, that ye may consume it upon your lusts. ⁴Ye adulterers and adulteresses, know ye not that the friendship of the world is enmity with God? whosoever therefore will be a friend of the world is the enemy of God. ⁵Do ye think that the scripture saith in vain, The spirit that dwelleth in us lusteth to envy? ⁶But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud, but givethgrace unto the humble.” (James 4:3-6) Maybe the gag order was to keep me from asking amiss, asking something from God that was not good for me? In my earlier (rather than younger, because I am still young :0) I would ask for things that were not good for me. Of course, God could not answer these prayers. Often, years later I would yelp out “And I THANK GOD for unanswered prayers” in all sincerity. lol Maybe you have to grow into grace and realize how important your spoken words are. We often hold back from speaking to keep from saying something to people that we shouldn’t but how often do we stop, pause before we pray to Jesus for something. How often do we stop and think, is this right for me, does this fulfill your plan in my life, what are my motives with this prayer? Ever to often prayers are just prayed as if it is just words. Maybe, we possibly rely on Jesus to parade through the muck of our amiss prayers, waiting for us to have understanding of His plan for our lives; To be wise enough, discern enough, be patient enough to actually get it! You know like willing enough to actually be in alignment with his mind for us. I guess that takes a huge amount of trust considering it takes a whole lot of faith to walk with God in such a way. Although, I still do not know the words to pray, I missed those deep conversations with my Heavenly Father. So, I simply said can you at least show me you are still here, give me a dream or speak to me in the way that you do for me. Do you know that very night, he did just that? It was not some profound “word from God” BTW this phrase gets thrown around like peanut butter & jelly on a slice of bread, all messy, blending together, can tell which side is which…….confusion but it was in a way that I knew he was there. Something weird happens when God shows up to speak to me, for hours afterwards I feel such a tenderness in my heart, a forgiveness in my spirit and a physical closeness that it is difficult to explain. When He does that for me, I am truly so grateful that He knows my name and cares about me. He is there all the time. As I was reading and looking at the devastation in Florida I began to realize that such internal turmoil will distract you so deeply that you will not see the greater devastation going on around you until it’s too late. God knows I love people. “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy;I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” (John10:10) The enemy’s plan is distraction. If we are so bound up in inner turmoil, how can we show people the fullness of LIFE? He is life. I believe in this hour it is his plan to turn person against person. There is no greater pain than to be hurt by people you love. If you are wrapped up in this type of pain, how can you show life? Let’s be wise to the enemy’s tricks. Let’s give life with our mouth, hands, feet, arms…with our entire being let’s show how love breeds hope and hope breeds life.